


Borrowed in Advance

by hibiscusandmistletoe



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Accidental Relationship, Autistic Character, Autistic Kozume Kenma, M/M, Non Consensual Relationship, Polyamory Negotiations, Unconventional Cheating, more like polyamory non-negotiations
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-04-09
Updated: 2018-04-09
Packaged: 2019-04-20 17:12:18
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,389
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14265786
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/hibiscusandmistletoe/pseuds/hibiscusandmistletoe
Summary: Bokuto moves in and suddenly Kenma's life explodes into a thousand situations he never wanted, results inconclusive.





	Borrowed in Advance

**Author's Note:**

> This is a vent-fic based on my current living situation. Some events have been omitted, others have been changed. I lost steam so this story could have been much longer, but I hope you enjoy what is there. 
> 
> This fic has been written by an #actuallyautistic person.

 

"I can't do this anymore!" He's crying violently, shaking. Against his back the dewy tiles are freezing. The steam of the hot water is choking him. At his feet lukewarm water is pooling, lapping at him like it could swallow him. In front of him Kuroo's naked chest stands like a wall, unwavering. Kenma can't look at his face. "I'm sorry! I can't!"

Why is he apologizing? He shouldn't be in this situation. Why is he crying? He shouldn't be the one to feel like he's losing. His eyes are scrunched closed but his brain is screaming at him, bright lights blinking GAME OVER over and over again. He feels dizzy. Kuroo seems to want to reach out to him. When he lifts his hand, Kenma sinks further against the wall. Kuroo drops his hand. Kenma knows he's hurting him but he doesn't have the words to tell him how he hurt him first.

Eventually the water runs cold and Kuroo steps out. Kenma stays.

 

 

"So we were wondering..." Akaashi's voice is a little hard to hear through the Skype call, but they can both tell he's making an effort to be understood. "Would it be okay if Bokuto stayed with you two for a few months?" Kenma's heart skips a beat, but he knew the request was coming.

"Sure!" Kuroo agrees so readily. He looks like he's already planning what it'll be like. Kenma is glad.

"Of course," Kenma confirms because it's the thing to do and because he likes Bokuto and he's grown to like Akaashi and his friends need him to say yes to this.

After the call, Kuroo finally shows his surprise.

"I didn't think you'd agree to this so fast," He admits. "Honestly I'm even surprised at myself, but you..." Kenma nods. He knows what he means. He has a reputation for being a private person. It is going to be a lot to have someone else in their home. Heck, sometimes living with just Kuroo is too much. It makes sense though. Bokuto needs a place to live while Akaashi goes on his master's thesis exchange to Canada. He needs to go to graduate and Bokuto needs a place to live in the meantime. They've been friends for years. It fits.

 

 

It's a tough fit.

Bokuto is a kind and respectful housemate. Sure he's loud and exuberant, but he's self-sufficient and Kenma reads him well enough to anticipate his more troublesome behaviors. It works, it works fine, it's just hard. It's someone in his space, someone who smells different and likes to wash dishes instead of leaving them to rot in the dishwasher but he puts them away in strange places so is it really worth it?

Bokuto misses Akaashi.

He misses him in the way he talks about him and the way he hugs himself while they watch movies the three of them together, Kuroo wrapped around Kenma's smaller frame. Sometimes Kenma gets him to talk about it. Sometimes Kuroo takes him out to get his mind off of things. Sometimes he locks himself up in the guestroom and Kuroo and Kenma are left to worry about him in silence. Akaashi calls every other day and they have long Skype sessions, but as time passes they happen less. Bokuto mopes. Bokuto cries. Bokuto goes for a run and doesn't come back for too long. That night Kuroo goes into his room with him and Kenma is asleep before Kuroo for the first time since they moved in together. The sun is rising when Kuroo slips into their bed.

 

 

Shouyou is in town.

He comes in like a whirlwind and a half. He needs a place to stay. He wants an ear to listen. He cooks for everyone in the house and talks about volleyball and Kageyama making it to the national team and the tryouts he's going to this weekend. Kenma does his laundry. Hinata passes out in the guestroom watching old high school volleyball matches with Bokuto. Bokuto shyly asks them what he should do about it. Shouyou is small but he's spread out over the entire single bed. Bokuto doesn't want to move him. He needs the sleep. Bokuto also needs to sleep, but the futon Shouyou brought with him to sleep on is way too small for him. Kenma curls in between Kuroo and the wall and Bokuto shares their bed.

Shouyou leaves a few days later. Bokuto doesn't sleep in his own bed for the entire visit.

 

 

It's platonic.

It's platonic at first, the first week, maybe the first few days, in theory. They sleep together, just sleep, in the same bed. They touch a bit, nothing sexual, just caring. Caresses like brushing a hand across his shoulders when he walks by, squeezing his hand when he looks like he needs it, sitting closer during movie night, and slinging an arm over him when they sleep. It's good for Bokuto. He says it's helping him miss Akaashi less and Kenma can tell that it's true by the way he carries himself.

It's easier for Kuroo. Touch comes more naturally to him, people come more naturally to him, Bokuto comes more naturally to him. Kenma feels like he maybe understands Bokuto a little bit better, but maybe he doesn't because he keeps being wrong about what he wants and needs now. Kuroo touches him more readily. He gives him little massages. He gives him hugs. He nuzzles in between his shoulder blades while Bokuto cooks.  Kenma tries his best. He stands close to him to chop vegetables, letting their hips brush. He sits next to him when it would be easier not to. He pats his leg in an appropriate area, close to the knee.

It's a slippery slope.                                                                                      

 

 

"At least it's not like either of us kissed him." Kenma says it because it seems like that's where the line should be. He says it like there's no way either of them would have done that before telling the other. He's known Kuroo for years. They've been dating for four of those. They have agreements for these things.

Kuroo looks guilty.

"Well..."

Kenma blinks.

"It was just natural! It just seemed like the thing to do!"

Kenma knows he's not like other people. He knows that things that seem like the thing to do are actually natural to most other people. He gets the general idea that people have feelings that feel like urges and pressures and expectations and things that Kenma feels but also doesn't feel. Most people don't have to force themselves to sit next to their own friend. Most people don't feel fear thanking a cashier. Most people would probably flip shit hearing what Kuroo has just said.

"Okay." He says instead. Must be one of those things he doesn't get.

 

 

He honestly doesn't expect it to happen again, but it does. It's midday in the living room on the couch with the television off. They're in front of him, in line with the doorway right where he can see them, so he knows it's purposeful. He said okay. They must think it's okay. Kenma agreed. Kenma remembers himself agreeing.

Part of him feels like a lobster being boiled alive but he can't feel the water so it must be fine.

 

 

It's an average evening for them. Kuroo comes back from work first. He changes out of his work clothes and tidies the kitchen. Bokuto comes in next. He's usually really sweaty from practice so he takes a shower. After that he cooks. Kenma comes in last since his commute is the longest. He crashes into the bedroom for an hour with the lights off, not sleeping, just decompressing. Kuroo knows not to come in. Bokuto learns eventually. When he's ready, Kenma comes out. If supper isn't ready yet he'll set the table and listen to Kuroo and Bokuto chat. If it's ready, they'll wait for him at the kotatsu and he'll serve himself and join them. Sometimes they watch the news but usually they'll watch a game show.

Tonight a couple of well known celebrities are announcing their engagement while a Hello Kitty and a Kumamon shower them with plastic flower petals. Bokuto made karaage and Kuroo decided it would be a good excuse to drink. They're all varying stages of drunk. For no reason in particular, Kenma who doesn't usually like to drink is on his third beer. The world is fuzzy, his head is fuzzy, his socks are fuzzy and he's less restrained than usual about stimming with them. He rubs the soft material with his fingers and wiggles his toes. He might even be rocking a little.

"So, are we like a thing now?" Bokuto sounds pretty excited about it. Kenma looks up from his socks. He takes another sip of beer. Kuroo looks at him expectantly. Kenma can't seem to think of a reason not to.

"Yeah."

"Nice!" Kuroo cheers. He celebrates by pouring them all a round of sake. It's the same brand they usually buy but it burns Kenma's throat going down. He ignores it. He's vaguely aware of Bokuto and Kuroo kissing. Then, Bokuto gives him a hug. It's warm. He still smells different, but Kenma thinks he can get used to it just like he got used to the dishes being moved.

 

 

Bokuto tells Akaashi.

It doesn't go well.

 

 

Bokuto hasn't slept in his own bed in a long time. Kenma is starting to get sore. He already has a hard time with his wrists because of all the videogames he plays and all the typing he does at his job but now he often wakes up with fully numb arms. His shoulders are tight. Not even Kuroo's massages can help loosen them up. He considers going to a massage parlor but the idea sounds too stressful to actually do it. He plays more videogames to distract himself. His fingers cramp sometimes.

 

 

Kenma needs to go on a work trip. He usually brings Kuroo. Sometimes he gets sent to Miyagi and then he can just stay with Shouyou. This time the company is sending him to Hokkaido. It's far and snowy and according to his coworkers, the office there is in a small town with bad internet. Kenma doesn't want to go. Kutchan is probably nice, but Kenma doesn't like going anywhere alone, nevermind somewhere so far and different. He'll probably get lost in the powder snow or become stranded in a potato field. Maybe the other way around. He does a quick google search. Kuroo finds him an hour later at the kotatsu with his head resting on his arms, Jagata-kun the little skiing potato man watching over him silently from his laptop screen.

"Come to bed," Kuroo offers.

"In a minute." Kenma mumbles. He waits for Kuroo to kiss the top of his head. When his lanky boyfriend doesn't follow their usual script, Kenma looks up. Kuroo isn't looking at him.

"I'm sorry I can't come with you," He says.

"It's okay," Kenma says even though saying it just makes his heart feel like it's sinking further into his thorax.

 

 

It's a weird time to be in Kutchan. It's not snowing and it's not potato season. Kenma doesn't know why he was expecting those things just because they're what came up when he googled them. It's spring here just like it was in Tokyo when he left. There's a man in a Jagata-kun costume outside of the train station so he shouldn't be too disappointed. He wants to send Kuroo a picture of it but he doesn't. He doesn't know why. He send one to Lev instead, but he can't handle responding to the conversation Lev tries to start with him after that.

Work is fine, his hotel is fine, and the walk between them is the only part of Kutchan he really sees during the week he's there. He's supposed to be in town for ten days but he only makes it to six. He gets sick. Or at least, he feels sick. He texts Shouyou, he finally responds to Lev, he even calls his mom, but he doesn't tell Kuroo. It feels like giving up when he gets home, and he can barely look at either of his boyfriends before crashing into bed. He sleeps straight through until the next morning.

 

 

Even now he doesn't really remember the details of how he found out. It was casual. They were in the apartment somewhere. Bokuto was out. It was a few days after his work trip, the day he was supposed to be coming back. Kuroo mentioned it in passing. Fucking. It doesn't register at the time, but he knows that he knows from that point on. The bed feels kind of funny.

 

 

Every day Kenma wishes for a time machine. Every night he dreams he's falling down a waterfall. Sometimes the rocks are too slippery and sometimes the water is too deep to hold onto anything. Sometimes the time machine takes him to that Skype call with Akaashi. Usually it takes him to that drunken night. Occasionally he pushes harder for Bokuto or Kuroo or even himself to just drag Shouyou down to the floor and roll him onto his damn futon.

He tells Shouyou this and Shouyou laughs. He sobers up quickly because he understands, but he doesn't know what to say because he can't actually understand.

Kenma feels trapped.

 

 

Bokuto is amazing.

They can't usually come to his matches, but they both took time off of work for this one. He's playing against a Kansai team and the friendly rivalry between the two regions adds to the general excitement. They sit in the front and Kuroo knowingly lifts the arm between his and Kenma's seat. Kenma can't remember the last time they had a date. They usually have date nights in, so it's normal that they haven't gotten as many opportunities lately. Bokuto is an amazing ace and Kenma can't focus on it. Bokuto's crosses are stunning and Kenma can barely see the way his shoulder bends almost impossibly because he's too blinded by the feeling of Kuroo's warmth leaving his side when his boyfriend stands up to cheer for their other boyfriend and how is all of this happening? It's so much. Kenma feels like he might have a meltdown so he stands up too and leans forward against the railing, trying not to cry.

The crowd cheers. He can sort of see Bokuto's blurry face turn towards them so he claps so hard his palms sting. His face is wet. He can tell Kuroo can't tell, but he's not sure about Bokuto. He waves at them and whoops before running toward his teammates. Kenma belatedly realizes he just scored the winning point.

 

 

"You seem distant."

"I'm fine."

Bokuto is at the grocery store and it feels weird that they would wait until he's gone to talk. It feels even weirder because Kuroo is in the doorway of their bedroom during Kenma's quiet hour. It's even stranger because Kenma is sitting on an extra blanket he pulled out from the closet, the one that he pulls out every day  now so he can set on top of their bed so he doesn't have to lay down directly on top of the covers. Kuroo notices.

"Can I come in?"

Kenma can't tell if he can infer what it means. Kenma is having a harder time reading Kuroo these days. Often he used to feel not like they were the same person but like there was a link between them that would allow Kenma to access some of Kuroo's thoughts. If it were like a bridge then right now it would feel like it's falling apart. Kenma feels like he's falling apart.

"Sure."

Kuroo sits on the edge of the bed and Kenma starts talking. It feels like he says everything, but Kenma knows that's not true. He's pulling punches. He tells Kuroo what he thinks Kuroo can handle, which is an imprecise measure. He says "I was drunk" and he says "I don't know what I'm doing" and he says "I'm not sure I want this" but he also says "I'll try" and he thinks he means it. He says "I love you" and he knows he means it. He says "I love him" even when he's not sure which kind of love he's referring to. Kuroo says "you two should talk" like it's within Kenma's realm to do that, like he would even know what to say. Again Kenma says "I'll try" because he thinks maybe he will, and maybe he can. He doesn't. It feels impossible.

 

 

Akaashi comes back to Japan early.

They find out because he appears at their door at midnight on a Friday with a suitcase. It's raining outside. His coat is wet. His shoes are wet. His hair is wet. His suitcase is wet. He doesn't have an umbrella. Bokuto is shocked to see him. Kenma is hopeful.

 

Akaashi stays in their guestroom for two weeks before leaving to move back in with his parents. For two weeks, they have a tall angry man in their house that makes Bokuto sad. They take turns talking to him privately in his room and his room becomes "Akaashi's room" instead of the guestroom and they wait for him to go to sleep before talking to each other about their day. Kenma who has been trying so hard to ignore it becomes acutely aware of when Kuroo and Bokuto have sex because they'll just disappear into the bathroom at three in the morning and come back joking about back pain.

It would be so easy to say the right thing and do the wrong thing. Actually, it would probably be hard. Either way, he can't do that to his friends. He can't push them back together when he knows just by looking at them that that ship has sailed. He can't do this for his own convenience. It would be so much easier for him that way. If it worked, no one would be sad and things could go back to the way they were. Except that's not true. Bokuto and Akaashi would be sad and Kuroo would be sad and things would probably be weird. For a while. And then maybe...

But he doesn't do it. They break up. And they move on. Kenma doesn't.

 

 

Bokuto makes Kuroo happy.

It's apparent. It's normal. It should be that way regardless of anything. Bokuto makes Kenma happy too, it's a byproduct of him existing like how plants make oxygen and sometimes melting wax makes enough gas to start a fire. Kenma knows that Kuroo makes Bokuto happy. He knew before and it's even harder to ignore during and after Akaashi's prolonged visit. Bokuto kind of seems to need Kuroo now. Kenma can't tell if Kuroo needs Bokuto but it sure seems that way. Bokuto and Kenma talk every day but Kenma can't always tell if he's being well received. He can't see what Bokuto sees in him platonically or not.

Kuroo is tired.

Kuroo has always been tired, it comes with the territory. He has an important job, and an important role, and people naturally gravitate toward him, his natural leadership, his quiet confidence, his soothing disposition. Kuroo and Kenma have tailored their lifestyle around giving each other a good balance of the space and attention they need to thrive. Bokuto kind of changes things. He's loud and needy and he takes up space. He commands attention with the way he talks, the way he moves, the things he does and the things he can't do. He'll be exuberant one minute and lethargic the next. Little good things become great big things and little bad things become catastrophes. Sometimes it's too much for Kenma and he has to retreat back into their room. Sometimes he has to take a shower with all the lights off.

Sometimes when he's in the shower with all the lights off he can hear them have sex.

 

 

"Kuro, I'm miserable!" Kenma whisper-yells. Bokuto is in the kitchen. Kenma can hear him making a stir-fry. Kuroo and Kenma are in the bedroom closet with the door open. Kenma can't say he appreciates the irony. Kuroo stands between Kenma and the door. Kenma can't really remember how this started, what Kuroo said that finally made him say it out loud. He continues. "I hate this, I really do, I'm absolutely miserable!" He says it to Kuroo's belt buckle to make sure he can say it at all so he can't see the expression on his face when Kuroo asks.

"Do you want to break up with me?"

"What?!" Kenma whips his head up in disbelief. He hasn't been this angry in what feels like years. His body feels on fire, and also like he's using muscles he hasn't moved in decades. He could sink through the floor or push against Kuroo until he was the one on the floor, looking up at him. Kenma plays the whole scenario in his head but his body doesn't move, his hands don't even unclench from the tight fists they formed without his will. "No!" He adds in case it's not obvious. "I just want this to be over! I want things to go back to how they were!"  Kenma is scared that Bokuto might hear them but not enough to keep it in.

"Good." Kuroo says and Kenma wants to punch him. "It's good that you don't want to break up." Hearing him say that loosens up some of the muscles in Kenma's body but he still feels raw. On edge. He wants to ask. He wants to ask what on Earth could posses his best friend of over ten years, his partner of four years to ask him that before asking the more obvious question, the one that involves breaking up with not Kenma. He doesn't.

 

 

Things feel tense.

Kenma can feel Bokuto walking on egg shells around him. He doesn't know what to do. He doesn't know what Kuroo told or didn't tell him. They used to have nice conversations together, but that feels far away now. They still touch but it feels forced so they stop that too. Kenma doesn't know what's left. He keeps reminding himself of all of Bokuto's good points, but he can't help but feel like he's not receiving any benefit from them. He thinks that's a terrible way to judge a human being, especially when it's not even true. Then he goes over his good points again. And again. Hoping he'll reach a point where he can't talk himself out of them anymore. 

Bokuto for the most part leaves him to it.

 

 

Kenma is sent on another trip, this time to Sendai. He arrives at Shouyou's place in the early evening and quietly passes out on his couch. Shouyou knows the drill. He knows that trains and all the people on them bother him, especially on longer commutes, and that he hates carrying his suitcase around, and that basically travel is a sensory nightmare for him. He still doesn't fully have the hang of leaving him alone to process so he brings him a glass of water, takes his shoes off for him, and drapes a thinning blanket over him, but other than having his feet touched those are gestures that Kenma can appreciate.

"How are you?" Shouyou asks brightly when Kenma makes his way to the kitchen a few hours later.

"Tired." He says.

"I can tell." Shouyou sounds kind of bitter about it but Kenma is pretty confident that it's not directed at him, even when Shouyou starts chopping the carrots a more roughly. Kenma doesn't want to talk about it, but he also needs to. He sits on a stool next to the counter and starts peeling potatoes.

"It's hard." He starts.

"Did you tell him that?"

"Yes."

"Then why hasn't he done anything about it?" Kenma isn't surprised by the question but his finger still slips on a lump and the peeler jerks forward. Kenma feels the pain before it's there. He sees blood.

"I don't know."

 

 

"I keep feeling like I'll wake up soon," Kenma whispers, voice raw from crying. "I'll wake up and I'll be so relieved that something so stressful turned out to be just a dream." Kuroo rubs circles on his back, under his shirt. It works as well as it usually does, but occasionally Kenma's mind wanders to think about how long it's been since he's done that and how much distress he's been in these past few months where Kuroo wasn't there to do the things that usually make him feel better. Then he starts crying again. "How?" He asks no one in particular. "Why did this happen?" He vaguely knows the answers. If he were really being honest he'd ask what he really wants to know.

_Why did you let this happen? Why are you letting this go on? How did you decide that this was okay?_

Kuroo continues to rub his back silently. Kenma feels his body going through several emotions that he can't process cerebrally. He can barely process where he is or what time it is, only that the pillowcase corner he's wiping his tears with is a dark gray like the pillowcases in the guestroom.

_How would you feel if I dated someone without your consent, kissed them without telling you, had sex without asking you? I'd tell you later and then I would ask them to move in with us. While they were unpacking all of their things I would announce that you were dating them too now. Wouldn't that seem kind of life changing? Kind of bad, maybe? Even if you'd be fine, isn't it kind of ridiculous to assume that I should be?_

Kenma falls asleep on Kuroo's lap. He wakes up alone, tucked into the guestroom bed.

When he finally opens the bedroom door, Bokuto is still there, in the apartment, making breakfast. He smiles at him. Kenma tries to smile back. He vaguely hears Bokuto ask him if he wants an egg on his rice but he's already turned around, closing the door behind him. He flops back into bed and wills it all away. He cries himself back to sleep.

 

**Author's Note:**

> The title is vaguely from the song Haikei Goodbye Sayonara by DAOKO


End file.
